Love Systems Insider: Dating Multiple Women, Frame Control

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Q&A with Savoy: Dating multiple women, Frame control in conversation
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  Love Systems Insider Date: January 2007 Q&A with Savoy Q #1:Love Systems,I’m almost having too much success. I’m dating three different womenright now and they are all fantastic and I don’t want to give any of them up.But my town is not all that big, and everyone knows someone who knowssomeone else who knows anyone. None of the women I’m dating are morethan a couple degrees of separation from each other and I think they think that I am exclusive. What should I do? I know I should just go to abootcamp and damn I would love too, but I’m far away and work weekends.So, I’m hoping you could help me!- V.R., Fayetteville, NC A:Dear V.R.,I’ll try. As I’ve mentioned, one of the big implications of RelationshipManagement is that it begins before you sleep with a woman. Setting up theappropriate frame is important. If you act to someone like she is going to beyour exclusive girlfriend before you sleep with her, she may (rightly) feelcheated if that does not turn out to be the case. If you are not looking forher to think she is exclusive, there are many ways you can communicate thisto her – but it’s too late for you in this case anyway.Where you are now, you need to tell them at least some of what is going on.It’s the right thing to do if you genuinely care about them, and if moralarguments don’t sway you, then consider that they will find out anyway. The most important thing will be not to act like you have been or are doinganything wrong. Think of how you would act if you smashed her car. You’dpick a good time, you’d make sure she was relaxed, you’d say “I havesomething to tell you” and then you’d come out and say it, explain it, andapologize. Don’t do any of that. If you sub-communicate that you think you  are doing something wrong, or sub-communicate that you think that shemay think that you are doing something wrong, then that might be herconclusion.One example of a non-defensive way of introducing the subject is by teasingher about dates that she might be having (even if you know that she is not).Make sure you know what your bottom line is. Are you dating multiplepeople because that’s your lifestyle now? Are you doing it because you’relooking for “the one?” Are you doing it until you’re engaged? At some pointin the conversation this will have to come out. Talk about how you’ve seenpeople cheat and that disappoints you so you prefer honesty. This is most applicable if you’ve been dating these women for 1-2 months.Longer than that, and you’ve probably created expectations in her that willrequire more effort to deal with. Take Care,Savoy Q #2:Love Systems,I don’t know if you guys know this, but you have a big following in South Africa. If you ever come down here, I’m sure you’ll fill all of your programs.I just listened to the Interview Series onFrame Controlfrom Savoy and Sinn.It makes me think of every conversation, not just ones to meet women, in adifferent way. Like they say (I don’t know if I have this quote exactly right),“There can only be one frame in any interaction. The stronger frameabsorbs the weaker frame... That’s why people follow cult leaders or jointhe army.” I’ve been on two dates with someone who every once in a while will cut off aconversational thread with “I don’t want to talk about that.” I feel the wind taken out of the conversation when she does it and it also feels like I’m in amore submissive position to her afterward. Is this important? What should Ido?- F.S., Durban, South Africa    A:Dear F.S.,With your woman’s comments, I’m assuming that they don’t always come inresponse to the same conversations. If you keep asking her why she doesn’tget along with her brother and this is the response you are getting, then myadvice would be the same as hers: stop asking.So, let’s assume that this is a general conversational tactic for her. The firstthing I’d say is that you don’t need to “win” every part of everyconversation. The second is that what she is saying is pretty negative.Later in your relationship you can address this. For now, concentrate onturning the interaction around to a positive. Try saying “neither do I; I was just being polite” or “I love that you’re the strong, silent type.” With either(or any) response, continue immediately, without pausing, with a newconversational topic. Ideally “so, anyway...” and go into an interesting orhigh-impact story. Take Care,Savoy
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